In Pakistan, Women Pay The Price of 'Honor'

By Pamela Constable
Washington Post Foreign Service
Monday , May 8, 2000 ; A01

GUJAR KHAN, Pakistan –– Zahida Perveen's head is shrouded in a white cotton veil, which she self-consciously tightens every few moments. But when she reaches down to pick up her baby daughter, the veil falls away to reveal the face of one of Pakistan's most horrific social ills, broadly
known as "honor" crimes.

Perveen's eyes are empty sockets of unseeing flesh, her earlobes have been sliced off, and her nose is a gaping, reddened stump of bone. Sixteen months ago, her husband, in a fit of rage over her alleged affair with a brother-in-law, bound her hands and feet and slashed her with a razor and
knife. She was three months' pregnant at the time.

"He came home from the mosque and accused me of having a bad character," the tiny, 32-year-old woman murmured as she awaited a court hearing last month. "I told him it was not true, but he didn't believe me. He caught me and tied me up, and then he started cutting my face. He never said a word except, 'This is your last night.' "

Perveen's disfigurement is extreme, but her case is standard in its basic elements. Thousands of Pakistani women and girls are stabbed, burned or maimed every year by husbands, fathers or brothers who believe they have brought them dishonor by being unfaithful, seeking a divorce,
eloping with a boyfriend or refusing to marry a man chosen by the family.

If a victim dies, the crime becomes an "honor killing," a term that has come to symbolize the cruel irony of a conservative Islamic society that purports to shelter women, yet often condones savage violence against them in the name of male and family honor.

The problem of honor killings in Pakistan, while far from new or unique, has aroused international attention since April, when Samia Sarwar, 29, was shot dead in the law office of a leading human rights activist. It turned out that her parents had ordered the killing because she had shamed the
family by seeking a divorce.

In the past, elected Pakistani leaders have resisted taking action against honor killings, but last month military ruler Gen. Pervez Musharraf launched a national human rights campaign, singling out honor killings for special denunciation. Government officials said they are hoping to reduce
Pakistan's isolation abroad as well as increase domestic awareness of the issue.

"The government of Pakistan vigorously condemns the practice of so-called honor killings," Musharraf declared. "Such acts do not find a place in our religion or law. Killing in the name of honor is murder, and it will be treated as such."

Such crimes occur in countries across the world and among societies of all faiths; a jealous husband in the United States may be driven to the same act of rage as one in Pakistan or Portugal. But such attacks tend to be taken more seriously by authorities in developed countries, where
women are more educated about their rights.

Moreover, because the concepts of male honor and female subservience are deeply ingrained in Islamic and Asian tribal cultures, honor crimes including killing have occurred for years in Saudi Arabia, Turkey, Egypt and other Muslim countries, including Pakistan, without provoking
widespread outcry.

"The concept of honor killing does not exist in Islamic law, but conservative tradition is very strong in our culture. Islam gives rights to women, but society snuffs them out," said Nayyar Shebana, a lawyer with the Aurat Foundation, a women's advocacy group in Islamabad, the Pakistani capital.

Only sketchy statistics are available on honor crimes, but the independent Human Rights Commission of Pakistan reported that in 1998 and 1999, more than 850 women were killed by their husbands, brothers, fathers or other relatives in Punjab, Pakistan's most populous province.
In many of those cases, the commission said, the woman was suspected of what was considered immoral behavior.

Another common form of domestic violence against Pakistani women is burning. In 1998 and 1999, the commission reported more than 560 cases of women burned at home in Punjab. In 1998, nearly half the victims died. Many cases were suspicious, but there were only a handful of arrests. The Progressive Women's Association, which assists attack victims, tracked 3,560 women who were hospitalized after being attacked at home with fire, gasoline or acid between 1994 and 1999.

"We deal with these cases every day, but I have seen very few convictions," said Nahida Mahbooba Elahi, a lawyer and women's rights activist who represents honor crime victims. "The men say the wife didn't obey their orders, or was having relations with someone else. The police often say it is a domestic matter and refuse to pursue the case. Some judges even justify it and do not consider it murder."

Since the outcry over Samia Sarwar's killing, dozens of other cases have come to light, largely as a result of pressure and publicity by women's groups. In recent interviews, victims or their families described the following incidents of extreme domestic violence:

* Perveen Aktar, 37, was severely burned in September when her husband, a fruit peddler in Rawalpindi, threw acid on her. According to Aktar, whose face, chest and back are badly scarred, her husband wanted to return to his first wife, and she refused. She said she went to the police, but that her husband paid them a series of bribes and they did not investigate. He has since fled to another city.

* Zarina, 40, fled her home in Kashmir after her 20-year-old stepson shot her younger sister dead; the girl had wanted to marry a boyfriend whom the stepson did not like. Zarina said her husband sided with his son, beat her and threatened to kill their 2-year-old daughter when Zarina asked for
a divorce. Zarina and her daughter are now in hiding in a private women's shelter.

* Kousar Perveen, a 32-year-old mother of four from Talagang, about 100 miles south of Islamabad, was allegedly beaten and burned to death by her in-laws in February. According to her parents and sisters, the in-laws had forbidden her to leave their house, even to visit her ailing parents or attend a cousin's wedding, and she had quarreled bitterly with them.

"They killed my daughter. God help me," sobbed Manzour Hussain, 75, his limbs shaking violently with palsy as two neighbors carried him to a protest organized by the Progressive Women's Association at the Talagang courthouse in April. The in-laws reportedly claimed she had been burned in a kitchen fire, but Hussain's family said she had been tied up and murdered. Two people are under arrest, but no trial date has been set.

According to lawyers and women's rights advocates, many such cases are never brought to trial. They say police are easily bribed or persuaded by the men's families to dismiss the complaints as "domestic accidents." Many victims, especially uneducated women confined to their husband's
homes, are too intimidated to press charges. Moreover, under another Islamic legal concept called qisas and diyat, a blood relative of a victim can formally "forgive" a crime in exchange for payment, with specific sums prescribed for damage to each body part.

Police officials say that many domestic crimes are never brought to their attention, that the complaints are often without merit and that they prefer to settle minor ones informally. But they insist that they pursue all violent crimes and murder charges with equal vigor, no matter what the motive.

"We want to punish the man who has done this, and the authorities are committed to doing all we can to help," said Ikramullah Niazi, a police magistrate in Talagang who reassured Kousar Perveen's relatives outside the courthouse. "But it is difficult to collect evidence, and whether he
is acquitted or convicted is a matter for the judiciary. There is only so much we can do."

Women's rights advocates have praised Musharraf for his strong statement condemning honor killings, but they note it has not been accompanied by any moves to bolster investigations or prosecutions. They also predict that such crimes will occur with impunity as long as the laws that enshrine men's superiority over women remain unchanged and as long as the popular belief persists that a woman's sexual sins must be avenged.

"Sections of society continued to regard any expression of independence by women as an infamy, and the only way to restore the family's honor was to promptly put an end to the life of the transgressor," the Human Rights Commission said last year. The subordination of women was so
"routine," the group noted, that domestic violence was widely considered "normal" behavior--even by the victims themselves.

Zahida Perveen's husband, a 40-year-old barber named Mahmoud Iqbal, does not deny that he carved up her face with his razor on the night of Dec. 28, 1998. His defense is based on the Islamic legal concept of ghairat, or uncontrollable actions in the face of extreme provocation--in
this case, suspicion that his wife was being unfaithful. He took no action against the brother-in-law with whom she was thought to be involved.

"I did these things, but I was going out of my senses," said the stocky bearded man, shackled to a policeman with thick iron chains, as he stood on a balcony outside the Gujar Khan courtroom, about 20 miles from Rawalpindi, awaiting an evidence hearing in the case. "She was provoking
me and ruining my life. What I did was wrong, but I am satisfied. I did it for my honor and prestige."

As Iqbal was taken to a police van after the hearing, several male relatives and acquaintances approached and shook his manacled hand. Later, when journalists showed his wife's photographs to a group of middle-class men in Islamabad, several of them commented that she "must have deserved it" and that her husband "did what a man has to do."

Although Pakistani law does not condone murder in the name of honor, it does contain strict Islamic ordinances enacted in 1979 that prescribe harsh punishment for the crime of zina, which means committing adultery or having premarital sex.

Under these ordinances, men and women can be stoned to death or publicly whipped 100 times for committing zina, but such charges are brought almost exclusively against women. Harsh penalties are rarely imposed, largely because it is very difficult to prove that the alleged sexual acts have occurred. But women's advocates say the law intimidates women, prevents them from demanding their rights and encourages men to abuse them with impunity.

"Usually the women are eventually acquitted, but they may spend several years in jail meanwhile," said Shebana, the women's advocacy lawyer. "Their families are happy to have them in prison, because they have disgraced the family by eloping and they must be made to suffer for it."

In Pakistani society, women who are accused of zina, or who seek divorce and are not living with their parents, are often ordered to remain in jail or in locked government shelters while their case is pending. In theory, these shelters are intended to protect unattached women, but in practice they also seek to protect society from them and to ensure they do not engage in sex.

There are currently 28 women confined to the shelter in Rawalpindi. The doors and windows to their rooms are barred, and only lawyers and relatives are permitted to visit them. They spend their days praying, studying the Koran, embroidering and watching television.

One pretty girl in her early twenties ran away from home after she was forced to marry a wealthy man twice her age. Her father filed a police case against her for eloping with a boy. In another case, a mother of five who sought a divorce said she was kidnapped by her brothers and threatened with mutilation. A third inmate named Usma said her husband beat her and took up with another woman but that her parents forced her to return to him.

"My parents say it is shameful for me to want a divorce," said Usma, who has been confined for more than a year. "They say it will ruin their reputation and that no one will marry me if I am second-hand. I don't want to go home. I don't want to get remarried. I just want to be free."

For Pakistani women who have been scarred by domestic violence, remarriage is almost unthinkable; sometimes suspicious husbands disfigure them so they will not be attractive to other men. Zahida Perveen, a slim woman with curly black hair, may well have caught her brother-in-law's eye as a pretty young bride.

Now, her face is a scarred and sightless mask that evokes horror and disgust from strangers. But once in a while, when her veil drops, it arouses other emotions. Last month, as Perveen crouched outside the Gujar Khan courtroom, an elderly woman watched her silently and began to weep. The woman let her own veil drop, revealing a jaw and cheek that had been badly burned 20 years before.

"It was an accident," explained a man who sat next to her.

"It was an accident," the woman repeated quickly, and readjusted the veil over her face.

In the Name of Family Honor

Culturally sanctioned killing of women in the name of preserving the family's honor remains a serious problem in many countries. Although little information is available, some groups have estimated honor-killing incidents:

Bangladesh: Between 1996 and 1998, about 200 women were reported to have been attacked with acid by husbands or close relatives; deaths unknown.

Egypt: 52 violent crimes reported against women in 1997; in some cases the perpetrator was the victim's mother or sister.

Jordan: 20 killings reported in 1998. Human rights and women's activists have urged amendments to the penal code, which exempts honor killings from punishment or reduces penalties in such cases.

Lebanon: 36 honor crimes between 1996 and 1998, mostly in towns and small villages; deaths unknown.

Pakistan: Hundreds killed each year. In Sindh province alone, more than 300 women were reported killed last year, and in Punjab province 278.

Palestine territory: In the Gaza Strip, 177 women believed killed between 1996 and 1998 in 239 reported attacks. The deaths were attributed to natural causes.

SOURCES: UNICEF, national women's groups
© 2000 The Washington Post Company
 

UN AGENCY REPORTS ON RAPE, ABDUCTION OF KOSOVO REFUGEES

By Judy Aita
USIA United Nations Correspondent

United Nations -- Kosovar women refugees have told alarming accounts of  rape and abduction, according to the UN Population Fund (UNFPA).
A report released May 26 by UNFPA said that "Gjakova, Pec, and Drenitza  were often indicated as places where kidnapping and collective rapes took place.  The women were individually raped by many men during a few hours but sometimes even for days.

"It is primarily the young women who are rounded up in villages and small cities," the report said.  "The soldiers take groups of 5 to 30 women to
unknown places in trucks or they are locked up in houses where the soldiers live.  Any resistance is met with threats of being burned alive."

"Women who were released have lacerations on their chests, evidence of beating on their arms and legs," the report said.  "Their backs also show
signs of beatings and they were covered in dirt.  Agonizing screams could be heard for many hours."

The report, the first attempt by a UN organization to verify the accounts and nature of sexual violence among refugees, was prepared by Dominique
Serrano, a psychologist who specializes in sexual violence and trauma counseling.  She interviewed women refugees and health care workers in
camps around Tirana and Kukes, Albania, during the first week of May 1999.

The information comes from victims and direct witnesses.  The women spoke on the condition of anonymity, came forward to talk with Serrano on their volition, and were not recommended or pre-selected by any humanitarian organization.

While reports of sexual violence had been circulating for several months the significant upsurge in sexual violence seems to correspond to the
first week NATO began bombing, Serrano said.

"New women arriving from Kosovo indicate that the violence is increasing," Serrano said.  "According to interviews, it seems that the
phenomenon, and in particular the abduction of groups of women, is more and more prevalent."

Serrano also fears for the women remaining in Kosovo.  The daily evolution of the situation and the weight of the evidence collected from
the interviews indicate that even though it existed to some extent already, "the politics of terror have proliferated in the last month
based on a deep-seated racism," she said.

Kosovar men who tried to interfere were killed on the spot, Serrano reported.  One woman was beaten to death in front of the house where her
daughters were being tortured.

"Families are generally turned out of their homes by armed men and sometimes even by their Serbian neighbors.  They often have only a few
minutes to leave the premises and sometimes their homes are burned," Serrano said.

One victim's husband said that he saw a building in Prizren where the first floor contained weapons, the second floor was for the soldiers and
the third floor contained about 30 women.  One of the women who was able to escape was shot down in the street, she said.

In the city of Berlenitz a group of 30 young girls was forced to follow the soldiers into a house while the mothers waited outside, Serrano also
said.  "For two hours the mothers listened to the screams of the young victims who then came out one by one.  Some were covered in blood, others
were crying and their heads were hanging low."

Describing other acts of torture, Serrano said that in Berlenitz young boys had their ears and noses cut off before their throats were slit;
many pregnant women's stomachs were cut open and the fetus skewered.  The torturers sharpened their knives in front of women and terrorized
children.

All the victims Serrano interviewed were raped or sexually violated in Kosovo, and none of the women interviewed were locked up for more than
three days.  Some of the kidnapped women who were taken to unknown places have not yet reappeared, according to their families and neighbors.
Serrano said that the victims felt that rape was a "concrete manifestation" of the profound hate which the Serbians feel toward the
Kosovars.  "Judging from the insults and threats of the torturers, some victims were allowed to live so that they could tell other people about
the determination of Serbian power, and thus eliminate any desire on the part of the refugees to return," she said.

Some of the women described themselves as being forever "dead" to their families after the violation, which carries tremendous stigma in their
society.

Serrano discussed the difficulty in getting women to admit to rape let alone seek help for fear of social stigma.  Many victims fear being
divorced, excluded from their community or family, or fear that a husband will try to take revenge.  She added that many women will never discuss
what has happened and other cases will only be revealed when women begin giving birth.

There were also many other women who did want to talk to Serrano about what happened but only under appropriate circumstances and on conditions, including no men or journalists present.

Serrano also found reluctance among some medical personnel in the area to discuss incidents of rape and found other aid workers not trained to
handle the situation.  She told of one aid worker who used a loud speaker to invite women who had been raped to come forward and complete a
questionnaire.

While there are volunteers and UN personnel in the maternity hospitals and camps in Tirana who are sensitive to the problems of rape,
"unfortunately the amount of work to be done, the number of refugees that need assistance and the lack of specifically trained personnel prevents
many women from receiving support," Serrano said.

In response to the report, UNFPA is providing counselling and psychological support training to health professionals to enable them to
offer help to victims of sexual violence in Kosovo.  In addition, local Albanian women's groups will receive counselling training.

Memories of Rape
David Pittman

Prison life itself is such a negative thing. It is so repressive that prisoners look in any direction to relieve their loneliness and despair. I have found in my experience that lack of education has a direct correlation to violence. The uneducated have less options to deal with perceived attacks on their pride or self-esteem. They can't successfully argue their points or ideas. They revert to brute strength to force their ideas on others. If successful it makes them feel good about themselves. To many, this is the only way they have learned to deal with things. Power of the fittest becomes the "modus operandi" of the prison population.

In such places even the more educated inmates can find themselves in a situation where they must use force to survive. If they have to confront violence often, one becomes what he is trying to avoid. Many men decide it is better to become an abuser rather then be abused. A few were violent abusers of women on the streets and pray on weak smaller males in prison. To them dominance is everything. When they have sex it is to dominate and humiliate and they receive pleasure from this. Many of their victims are traumatized for life.

All prisons have certain things in common. All people who are held captive against their will have similar feelings to varying degrees, but prisons very widely in the way administrators monitor and control inmates activities. Large overcrowded institutions cannot monitor and control all inmate activities. As long as the inmates are being fed, clothed, receive minimum medical services, and are not killing themselves, or the officers on a large scale, the administration is satisfied. Sexual practices are ignored in these overcrowded prisons.

Prison administrations are as different as the individuals running them. Some individuals try hard to run safe institutions while overcrowded, under staffed, and under budgeted. Sometimes it just cannot be done. Any time forced double celling, and blind spots are not eliminated, rapes, murders, and robbery will proliferate. The larger the prison the more it will happen. The smaller less populated prisons are easier to control and are safer.

The first time I went to jail I was 18 years old. I had gone AWOL from the navy, was living with 3 prostitutes, and befriended an older Marine. The Marine and I decided to pull an armed robbery of a small convenience store. A policeman happened to be in the area, and after a long chase we were arrested and went to jail. We ended up in different tanks in the Sonoma County Jail in California. I was 6'1" and weighed about 180 pounds. I wasn't a small guy and figured I could pretty well take care of myself. I was in for a big surprise.

Their were 20 men in my tank, it was split into two 10 man pods with 5 bunk beds in each pod, a day room was between them. The day room had four large steel tables to eat on, a toilet and shower was in the rear. The first night I was approached by 3 men. Two of them were about my size and the third was about 20 pounds and 6 inches smaller. They asked who I was and what I was in for. I told them and then one of them asked if I had ever been fucked. I said "no and I wasn't planning on it "he said "we're going to fuck you". l was filled with fear like I had never felt before. I swung at him with a left hook and as he blocked it his partner swung and hit me in the face knocking me to the floor. One of them grabbed me by the hair and slammed my face into the concrete knocking me out.

When I woke I was on my stomach, my pants had been pulled off, my legs were spread wide apart with one guy sitting on each leg and the other guy laying on my back. The guy on top was slapping me awake and said I want you to feel this. He proceeded to drive his cock deep into my butt. I had never felt such pain and tried to get away. They held me in such a way I knew they had done this to someone before. He fucked me for what seemed like forever and then came in me. Then he switched places with another one, and all three raped me. After it was over I was held in a head lock while they debated if they should kill me or not. I was asked if I was going to snitch and I told them "no". They said they would kill me if I said anything to anyone. I really thought I was going to die.

The next day they left me alone, I was numb and didn't know what to do. I was raised not to snitch on people and to handle my own problems and this was reinforced in Navy Boot-camp. As much as l wanted too, I rejected snitching as an option. I was looking at 5 years to life in prison for the armed robbery. If I snitched and then went to prison they could very easily have me killed. I was from another state and knew no one in California. I was so terrified and filled with shame and fear. My options were so limited, I felt paralyzed and helpless. I had no one to talk too, or to help me.

That night the same three came back to my bunk. They said I was their punk now and it would do no good to try and fight because they'd just take me down and hurt me again even worse then before. My head was throbbing from the beating, my right eye was black and swollen shut, and my butt hurt. They told me to take a shower and shave all the hair off my body from the neck down. I was just like a robot and did what they said. Going along was better then getting beat or killed. I didn't reason it out I just did it.

After shaving they told me I was going to give them all head. I didn't want to and resisted. I said "please don't make me do this. I couldn't imagine sucking a mans cock!! I was slapped and my head was forced down to the first guys cock by my hair. I started sucking his cock and he gave me instructions on how to suck it. He grabbed me by the hair and forced his cock down my throat when he came. I thought he was going to gag me to death and I puked on the floor after he let go. The others must have been turned off cause they left me alone that night. I was still in shock the next day and wondered what would happen next I even thought about killing myself.

The next night the same three came to me again. This time they told me to take off my pants. I was given Vaseline and told to lay on my stomach and put some on my butt. I did what I was told. This time they told me to help by pushing like I was taking a shit as he pushed his cock in my ass. It made it allot easier as he took his time working it in making it less painful. It was still uncomfortable and I felt like I had to take a shit while he was in me. This time he fucked me like he would probably fuck a woman and it wasn't near as bad as the first time. The second guy fucked me about the same way while the third had me give him head at the same time. Their was nothing pleasurable about it yet I was perplexed about getting a hard on. I was afraid about it because I thought they would beat me if they saw it. I also wondered if I could be homosexual. That really bothered me!

I now know that when a man's Prostate Gland is stimulated he will get an involuntary hard on. It was very confusing at the time. I was able to keep them from noticing because they always had me lay on my stomach for sex. Things started to tapper off after this and they weren't so demanding. I would have sex with one of them at a time, and at different times, however others in the pod started to become interested.

I would be woken up at different times of the night and asked to perform sex. I would just do it rather then risk being beaten. The men began to treat me gently and after a week or so they started letting me play cards with them and gave me candy bars and stuff. Before that I was ostracized, no one talked to me nor would they eat with me.

After a time some of them would even protect me against the three that originally raped me. They would abuse me by calling me a punk and asked things like, "do you like getting fucked in the ass bitch" and "what would your girlfriends think of you now". They even got into my things and wrote to the girls I had been living with and told them I was a punk. Sometimes they would pull my hair or slap me while I gave them head. The other guys started to get on them about it. I appreciated them sticking up for me and started to like them. These other guys treated me real well during sex. Some of them preferred getting head and some liked fucking better.

Even though I wasn't saying no anymore they all knew they were raping me. I knew it was established that I was a sex toy and if I ever flat refused I'd be beaten badly. I thought of the first three as violent rapists and the others as opportunists and in reality nice rapists. They wouldn't come out and take sex violently but would take advantage of a scared young person who they knew couldn't say no.

At this point I was trapped in this role. I reasoned that I had better Just make the best of it and get past this the best I could. After awhile the sex wasn't all un-pleasurable, however I became rudely aware of what frustration many, many women go through. As I would lay on my stomach getting fucked some of the guys treated me just like a women. As they got hotter and hotter they'd start grinding nicely and kissing on my neck and back and rub on my sides, legs, butt, and stomach. This felt so good and I'd Just give in to it and enjoy it. I would start fucking them back so I could grind my cock into the bed and get my own pleasure. It felt really good, but right when I would start getting real hot they would usually cum and put all their weight on me before I could orgasm. Then after we got up they wouldn't talk to me or even look at me. It really made me feel like shit.

Although I never initiated sex with anybody their were two guys I enjoyed having sex with. One would wake me up real late and lead me into the day room. He'd have me rub Vaseline all over his cock and then bend me over the table. He'd enter me very slowly and hold onto my hips and run his hands up and down my ass and legs as he'd pump and grind his cock in me just as if I was a women. When I got hard he'd reach around and grab my cock and jack me off as he fucked me. We'd both usually come at the same time.

The other one would have everyone leave the room. He'd have me lay on my back and he'd spread my legs and held them up to my chest. I'd grease my butt real well with Vaseline and he'd enter me. I'd cover my balls and cock with one hand to hide it and to keep my balls from being smashed between us. He'd slowly push into me and start slowly fucking me. As he got hotter he'd lean forward and put my free hand on his head and start sucking on my neck and nipples. I'd hold his head as he sucked on my nipples. He'd keep his eyes closed pretending I was his wife and say "Oh baby fuck me move that ass baby" and tell me he loved me. I would push my ass back against each of his strokes making it as good as I could for him as I would grind my hard cock against my hand at the same time. If he was getting ready to cum before me I'd reach down and pinch his cock at the base so it would stop his orgasm and he'd have to start building for it over again. That would give me a chance to get into it and orgasm myself. I liked it best that way cause I felt I had more control over the situation. I figured if I'm going to do it I might as well get into it myself and get off when ever I could. He was really cold afterwards but the next day he was nice and stuck up for me the most. The orgasms I had with those two were very strong and intense. It felt like they were really making love to me even though I knew they weren't.

I started to even feel a sense of power that I'm sure many females feel around groups of men. I could walk by them in the day room and shake my ass and they'd get all silly. I could have even started fights between them If I wanted to but I never did because I knew it could back fire and get me killed. I was beginning to like certain aspects of being treated like a female. It did stir up a new part of me inside, a feminine sexy part.

It all came to an end when they gave a guy a blanket party and shoved a sharp lead pencil up his ass. The investigators wanted me to tell them who did it, and told me they knew what was happening to me on that block. I told them to go fuck themselves. It really pissed me off that they wanted to know what happened to the other guy but wouldn't stop what was happening to me. They are truly fucking pigs!! They put me in an isolation cell after that. I went to prison and luckily what happened didn't follow me and I never had problems with that again.

I became very aggressive and would fight at the drop of a hat. The bad thing is that I took that aggression with me to the streets when I got out. Now I'm doing a life sentence for killing someone who threatened me. Right now I'm 6'2" and weigh 250 pounds. I'm a power lifter now and run with some of the most feared guys in the joint. None of my friends would ever believe this happened to me. If you put me in a room with those three rapists today they'd be climbing the walls trying to get away, and begging for their lives. I'd break their arms and legs one by one and leave them squirming on the floor withering in pain. If I ever get out of prison, WOE to the man who ever rapes or abuses a women or child around me!!!

I kept this to myself for years until I was married and my wife started crying one night. I asked her what was wrong and she told me about her uncle raping her when she was 14 years old and how she told her folks and they didn't believe her. I held her and told her I understood. She said I couldn't understand because I was a man. So I opened up and told her what happened to me in jail. She looked at me and said "You let it go on for weeks and did nothing to stop it"? I tried to explain and she said "I can't believe I married a PUNK"? so I just said no I didn't say that, you misunderstood me forget about it!! I was devastated, I was really in love with her and now I didn't know how she felt about me. I never talked to anyone about it again. Her uncle ended up in the hospital about a week later with a bunch of broken ribs. We divorced about 6 months later.

I do believe the experience helped me to become more sensitive to womens' needs, and I've been told that I'm a very good lover. I love to eat pussy for hours, and my favorite position is the women on top and 69. I haven't met a women yet I couldn't help to become orgasmic. I have developed some deep relationships with women over the years but I never could share my rape experience with them. I've been afraid of being rejected again because of it. I have wanted to several times but I just couldn't get it out. I also have trouble sharing my feelings and l believe I've suffered greatly for it.

I have always been a heterosexual and have never had a desire for men. It's been 18 years sense that experience in the county jail]. I have been in prison 13 years now and I have never had sex with another man. I have sometimes fantasized about having sex with a young male while I've been masturbating, but I could never do it in real life. 1 know the fantasy stems from that part of the experience when I received pleasure while in a horrible situation. The fear, desperation, and helplessness are not present now so I probably wouldn't find anything pleasurable about it now, and don't want to find out.

The rape of a man or women is a horrible thing. I know what a women feels when she is raped. I know the feeling of helplessness, the shame, guilt, self-doubt, self-blame, and fear. The greatest fear for me was that someone I knew would find out. Other men do not understand, will not try to understand, and will ostracize a man who has been raped. I found in my experience I couldn't trust women either. It could be worse for men in this respect because they have no one to talk to and are afraid of rejection. You keep it secret and let no one know. Violence can be a by-product of men who have been raped. They will come on extra aggressive against other men to protect themselves from being perceived vulnerable or weak. I suspect that the rape experience causing alcohol abuse, and drug addiction, has lead to the death of many men who cross swords with the male rape victim.

Many male and female rape victims experience "Rape Trauma Syndrome" (RTS). This is a devastating form of "Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder" which military combat veterans suffer from. I must admit that I probably suffer from RTS, and it could be the reason I'm in prison today. Although I was never an angel and did engage in some criminal activity. I was never violent and had never hurt another person until after the rape experience. I'm just not a mean, or hurtful person.

I have buried this experience in the back of my memory for so many years, not thinking about it. The reason I started thinking about it now is because I've attended several groups here in prison. Transactual Analysis, Dysfunctional Families, and Anger Control are a few of the groups along with several Psychological college courses I have taken. I have been searching to understand why I have chosen this fate I am burdened with. I have studied several different Psychological theories and I do feel very comfortable with myself now.

I came across some information printed from a group called "Stop Prisoner Rape" they wrote about RTS, and the crisis of Prisoner Rape around the country. I decided that it was time that I dealt with what happened to me. I need to process the experience. By writing about it I hope to draw out feelings that I buried away, deal with them, and put them to rest for good. In the process of doing this for myself I hope to reach other men who have gone through this and let them know they are not alone. Certain feelings, fantasies, and fears they have about it are not unique to them, reassure them they are still men, that their sexual preference hasn't necessarily been altered by it, and to seek help before they end up like me hurting others or themselves.

Until I read the "Stop Prisoner Rape" material I had no idea that male rape victims shared so many of the same feelings about the experience. 1 really thought that I was some kind of freak because of the many things I did, thought, and felt now, and at the time of the experience. That is why I went into such detail about what I did, what I felt, and what I was thinking before and after. I want the thousands of Raped men to know they are not alone. It wasn't their fault and they can survive this. I am a survivor, and I become stronger every day. I hope that female rape victims can also find something in this that might comfort them. Rape is rape no matter who it happens to. There are more similarities between men and women then differences. I shed tears for my sisters that have gone through this in so many different ways!!

There is only one way to be sure you will not become a male rape victim in jail or prison. That is to never be arrested. Anyone can be raped no matter how big he is. Anyone can be overwhelmed by numbers. One of the worst things you can say in jail or prison if you're not among friends is that you can not be raped. Many of these sick individuals will take it as a challenge and do it just because they can.

 

One response to concern about sexual assault has been public disclosure of names and residential location of convicted sex offenders who have been released from the criminal justice system. The Virginia State Police maintain a site at which such information is posted.
 

The following site provides information on the offenses for which information is publicly posted:

http://sex-offender.vsp.state.va.us/Static/Statutes.htm

http://sex-offender.vsp.state.va.us/Static/Background.htm

http://sex-offender.vsp.state.va.us/Static/Search.htm
 

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